


The Death That Came Before The First One

by Lillifred



Category: PIERCE Tamora - Works, The Song of the Lioness - Tamora Pierce, Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 16:37:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4229112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillifred/pseuds/Lillifred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two boys of royal ancestry hide behind the stables to share a kiss. Their first kiss. Roger enjoys being kissed. He has kissed a few girls before and he liked that. But the way the other squire holds him, to see and feel his muscles under that thin shirt, or that bulge down there – Roger likes that as well. It’s a different type of exciting. One he wouldn’t want to miss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Death That Came Before The First One

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for homophobia and a cruel/abusive parent.

Two boys of royal ancestry hide behind the stables to share a kiss. Their first kiss. Roger enjoys being kissed. He has kissed a few girls before and he liked that. But the way the other squire holds him, to see and feel his muscles under that thin shirt, or that bulge down there – Roger likes that as well. It’s a different type of exciting. One he wouldn’t want to miss.

“Squire, are you here?” That ‘s the voice of the Duke of Conté, Roger’s father. He’s looking for Benjamin, the boy who’s kissing Roger so passionately this very moment.

Roger stiffens. He wants to warn Benjamin, but it’s too late. Ruben of Conté has seen them already. And he doesn’t like what he sees. “Benjamin, you’re not my squire any longer. If I were you I would consider leaving the court. You might not be chivalrous enough to be a knight.” Without a word or another glance at Roger, Benjamin flees the scene. Now Ruben addresses Roger, with disgust in his voice: “You. Come with me.”

Ruben leads Roger into his chambers. He’s never been in there for reasons other than to get scold or occasionally beaten when he was younger. Ruben holds a strong belief that conflicts within the royal family should stay within the royal family or else the dynasty will be dishonored. Whenever his son does something bad, he’s the one who’ll take care of the problem in person. Other than that he doesn’t care much about Roger. Sure, he does care about marrying him off well and about him going to be king one day. About Roger getting a good education. He will make sure that Roger does all the tasks he’s assigned to for his studies, although no other page or squire is ever able to do them. Roger almost never disappoints him. Still, Ruben never seems to be satisfied.

The moment he has closed the door, Ruben slaps Roger in the face. Hard. That’s not a thing anyone does to a fourteen-year-old member of the royal family and heir to the throne. Not even a father to his son. It violates every rule of knighthood Roger has ever learned. He feels shame turning his cheeks bright red. Then Ruben hits him a second time.  
“What did you think, making a fool of yourself like that? The next king of Tortall is not going to be a faggot. Do you know how people will talk about you? About the Conté family?”  
Roger can’t answer. What’s worse: He can’t help crying. He isn’t supposed to cry either.  
“You disgust me, former son.”  
Roger slaps his former father and leaves the room for good.

Around court Roger and Ruben act as if nothing ever happened. Roger doesn’t see Benjamin around any longer, but he doesn’t dare to ask what happened to him. Ruben has changed his will, but Roger will get the title Duke of Conté. Otherwise there would be too many questions. Sadly, it won’t be of much use to Roger since Ruben intends to give his large fief back to the king (to strengthen the power of the royal family as a whole, he claims) and all his material wealth to a temple of Mithros (not an unusual move for a nobleman, albeit somewhat unusual for a nobleman with a son). In fact, there’s nothing left for Roger but a name. Besides that, Ruben already stops to pay for Roger’s expenses. He can’t become a knight if he has to admit that he can’t afford a sword. He could make big money as a sorcerer later, but he didn’t get any good training in that and he can’t afford to pay a mage teaching him either.

There’s one thing left for Roger to look forward to: There’s no way he’s not going to be king one day. His father won’t disown him officially. And the queen is infertile like an eighty-year-old woman. She did get pregnant a few times already, but she lost all of her children in the early stages of pregnancy.

The first time Ruben speaks to him again, he tells him that the queen is pregnant again. “I thought she was not supposed to bear a child. Didn’t the healers say that she could die if she ever gets pregnant again?” “Not if there’s a healer caring for her every day.” “Doing that for months? That’s suicide.” Roger knows that a mage could only use his or her gift until exhaustion, not further. Performing healing and life-protecting smiles for the length of a pregnancy would kill any mage. Exchanging the healer during the process could potentially disturb the child too much. If the king was to do this, he would have to force a slave. Too bad for him, that there aren’t any in Tortall any longer.  
“You’ve got a strong gift. And the king needs an heir. I expect you to offer your help.”  
“You want me to sacrifice my life for my replacement?”  
“Do you prefer a proper execution? I can arrange that.”  
“I will do my best to help the queen.”

King Roald doesn’t know about Ruben’s plans. When Roger offers his help, Roald is both delighted and afraid for his nephews life. He tries to talk Roger out of it, but Roger insists on keeping Lianne and the baby alive. By the time she is in labour, Roger is but a shadow of his former self. He hasn’t been able to eat or sleep for days. He has no magic left expect for his life force. He will need that during the birth. All of it, or the baby won’t make it.

The moment Prince Jonathan cries for the first time, Roger drops dead on the floor. He is merely fifteen years old. If it weren’t for King Roald who immediately starts to press on his chest and to blow breath in his nose Roger would have stayed dead.

The first thing Roger realizes when he awakes is that the colour of his gift has changed. Before, it was light blue. Now it is orange. Later Roger would realize that his new gift lacks all healing power. Strange – that had been his greatest strength before. The second thing he realizes is that he hates Prince Jonathan. He wants to kill him.

But first, he’s going to leave this place and become a sorcerer. King Roald will pay for his education. And he will never again mistrust the boy who almost gave his life bringing to life the prince who would become heir of the throne instead of himself.

When asked why he doesn’t want to be a knight any longer, Roger says that he is afraid of the ordeal. He doesn’t mention that he already went through a different kind of ordeal. In the City of the Gods he learns to make a waxen figure of his father soon.

Although he is a very handsome young man, he lacks liveliness and humour that would attract people to him. He did have these qualities when he was fourteen. When he only wanted to be with Benjamin and no one else. He is glad when he discovers the power of charmed gems. They give back to him what he lacks now. He doesn’t care that the attractions created by charms are superficial ones. He knows that he is too afraid of falling in love to be able to survive the chamber of the ordeal.

He is not afraid enough of anything not to become king.

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I have very conflicted feelings about Roger being revealed to be bisexual in interviews. It's great to have representation, but Roger is evil and all relationships including him will be very problematic ones I wouldn't want to come across in real life. It reminds me so much of Dumbledore's tragic story of being gay. This evil-overlord-is-gay-trope is not so very much ok, actually. On the other hand, I'm really drawn to problematic relationships in fiction that give reason for inner conflicts anore in-depth analysis of a character's mind set. In this case I just tried to give Roger more of a reason to be that evil and hateful. I thought that homophobia could be part of a reason for that. The atmosphere of the Tortallan society during Song of the Lioness gives me a homophobic expression, since Thom, Roger, and in my opinion also Alex are not straight, but it's never explicitly mentioned. Luckily, I've heard that Tortall changes with the times it is written in (I havet read the other books yet).


End file.
